How to set boundaries with family members during the holidays
Break old patterns and start setting empowered boundaries in your family
Setting boundaries with family over the holidays doesn’t mean that you don’t love them. Setting boundaries helps you prioritize your needs over your family’s wants.
Does getting together with ‘the family’ for the holidays fill you with joy or dread? After a couple of years without the traditional in-person festivities, are you excited to get back to how ‘it’s always been’? Or, are you secretly wishing you could stay curled up at home and not have through the annual ‘family holiday drama’?
Perhaps historically you’ve been seen as the ‘favourite’, the ‘peace-maker’, the ‘trouble-maker’, the ‘baby’. No matter how much time as past, or how old you are, or what you have accomplished, family members are accustomed to seeing you and treating you in a certain kind of way. Each holiday season seems to throw us back into these roles and we find ourselves reading from scripts that have often been at play for years or decades.
When you set new boundaries in a family system, you are changing the role you’ve played in your family. With each new boundary, you release that old role and step into something more authentic to who you really are and what you need.
It’s new, and this can be both empowering and scary. If your family gets upset about your boundary, it doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong. People will have feelings and these feelings aren’t about you. You can be grateful for all the ways your family is able to show up for you AND feel hurt and sad about all of the things you wish you had, but were never given. There’s room for both.
Here are some common family scenarios and boundary-setting scripts you can use to either kickstart or redirect the conversation towards what you need this holiday season…
Scenario 1: You’re choosing not to attend a family tradition (visit, holiday, etc.) this year.
Every year your family does (insert tradition here) and you (enjoy / dread / hate / etc.) it because it is (fun / boring / exhausting / expensive / traumatic/etc.). This year, you’d like to do something different.
You might say: (FAMILY MEMBER), I know that this (insert tradition here) is an important tradition in our family. After so many years of (this tradition), this year I’d like to try something different. I know this might be disappointing but this is something important I have to do for myself.
OTHER PHRASES:
I do want to spend time with you and I will, it just won’t be on ________________. I will see you __________________.
It’s not that I don’t want to be with you, but right now, I need some time alone to recharge.
I appreciate your feelings and your concern, but this is my decision.
I expect my partner to be treated with respect or we won’t come over.
We can only stay for __________________ because the kids’ bedtime is 9pm.
If you continue to pressure or guilt trip me, I’m going to have to end this conversation.
Scenario 2: You find something your family member says offensive or demeaning.
Whenever you’re with your family, you notice that they make subtle comments about your (weight/ appearance / job status / relationship status / life choices/ etc.). They ask how you’ve been doing recently, and make comments about what you should/could be doing (insert unsolicited advice and opinions here).
You might say: (FAMILY MEMBER), I want to be honest with you: it’s really upsetting to me when you make comments about _______________. I feel hurt and judged. If you want me to continue visiting, I’m going to need you to stop making comments ___________________.
OTHER PHRASES:
I know you want me to be happy, but I feel stressed and uncomfortable when you ask me all of these questions about _____________. Please don’t ask me about it anymore. If I share details about my ____________ with you in the future, I’d like it to be on my own terms.
Thank you for sharing your advice. I’ll consider it and let you know when I make a decision.
I’d appreciate it if you didn’t comment on ___________________________ anymore.
When you dismiss my opinions, I feel disrespected.
Commenting on my weight is not appropriate and you need to stop.
Please stop asking me when we will have a kid, it’s putting a lot of pressure on my relationship.
You are not allowed to speak to my partner that way.
I know you mean well, but please just listen without offering your opinions or advice.
This is my home and here we do not embarrass or humiliate each other.
Scenario 3: You’re not comfortable with the way one of your family members behaves / talks to you.
At holiday gatherings, a family member always ____________________ and would say __________________. It made you uncomfortable as a kid and it makes you uncomfortable now.
You might say: (FAMILY MEMBER), When you do/say ________________________, it makes me feel uncomfortable.
OTHER PHRASES:
Hi (Family member)! I’m not doing a hug today — let’s do a handshake, old-fashioned style.
I know you see me as that 10 year old but I’m adult now, so I would prefer you didn’t call me (sweetie / junior / etc.,)
Any rude comments about me will result in this conversation ending.
I respect your values and beliefs, but I do not share them.
If she does not want a hug, you need to respect that.
I understand you are angry, but do not speak to me that way.
Scenario 4: You’re don’t want to be the peace-maker (between two parents, a parent and a sibling, siblings, etc.,)
Your (FAMILY MEMBER) has an issue with (FAMILY MEMBER).They often call to vent about FAMILY MEMBER. You’re on good terms with them and you’re tired of being put in the middle.
You might say: [FAMILY MEMBER], I know that things between you _____________are hard right now — but listening to your complaints about them is hurting my relationship with both of you. I don’t want to be in the middle anymore, so in the future, can you talk to them or vent to someone else? I’d rather spend our talks focusing on our relationship instead.
OTHER PHRASES:
We have different opinions and we don’t have to change each other’s minds. We can agree to disagree.
I will no longer be in the middle person in family arguements.
I understand you are frustrated, but I don’t want to participate in family gossip.
I know you are angry but I am not playing the peacemaker anymore.
I would appreciate you not bringing this up anymore.
Scenario 5: You’re no longer willing to be around a family member when they’re engaged in addictive or destructive behavior.
Your (FAMILY MEMBER) has an untreated ________________ issue. You visit out of guilt, but you’ve realized you don’t feel comfortable bringing your children around them when they are in this state.
You might say: [FAMILY MEMBER], it’s hard for me to say this, but I won’t be visiting you anymore. Those visits are uncomfortable for me and they make my kids feel confused and unsafe, too. I love you, and I can only visit when you’re better.
OTHER PHRASES:
I won’t join you for dinner if you are (high/drunk/etc.).
You are welcome to attend if you are sober.
If this continues, I won’t be spending time here.
Scenario 6: You need more alone time during family time.
Every year during the holidays, you and your siblings visit home for a week of family time. It is always packed with tons of family activities, games, movies, and outings. It stresses you out.
You might say: Hey family, just a heads up: When we come home for the holidays this year, I’m going to embrace my inner introvert and take chunks of time to be alone: napping, going for a walk, reading my book. I need it to recharge so that when we’re together, I can be as present. Please, no guilt trips! Thanks in advance :*
OTHER PHRASES:
I’m going to head upstairs and get some quiet time.
I just need some space. Continue without me.
Goodnight. Going to head to bed early.
Scenario 7: You set boundaries but your family guilt trips you.
When you set boundaries with your family members, but they’re often met with guilt or disappointment. It makes you feel uncomfortable setting boundaries.
You might say: [FAMILY MEMBER], it’s hard for me to say this, but I want to be honest with you: when I share my needs with you and you respond with a guilt trip, it hurts—and it makes me uncomfortable sharing my needs with you. I want our relationship to be a place where we can both do what we need to take care of ourselves — so please, in the future, no guilt trips, okay?
Boundaries can feel yucky, hard, uncomfortable, guilty, confusing, tiring and scary. But, with time and practice, you will have: more peace, improved self-esteem, better autonomy, less burnout and improved mental and emotional health.
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We know it takes a great amount of courage to examine your life and to decide that there are things you would like to change. And, it takes more courage to do something about it. We can help. We offer free consultations for anyone in Ontario considering individual or couples counselling, online at The Dot. We will go through any of your questions and concerns to help you decide whether online counselling is the right choice for you.