Why is modern dating so scary?
How to navigate the modern dating scene and maintain your mental health and wellbeing
Why is dating so difficult now?
If you are single and looking for a romantic connection, you are probably wondering when did dating get so hard? At the end of a date, you are optimistic yet hear nothing back for days. Is it just you or is everyone on this journey together? The reality is that you are far from alone. Let’s look at what has changed in dating and why finding an authentic connection in this online world has become such a complete rollercoaster.
Modern dating and the ‘choice paradox’
Would it be simpler if we had fewer options?
One of the biggest issues with dating is knowing what you really want from the dating process. Instead, you run into a litany of people that do not want what you’re looking for, or they’re not good matches long-term. When you meet someone new, it can feel like many people are not 100% clear about their intentions. Flirting can be fun, and it can feel like the relationship is moving forward only to find out the other person isn’t looking for anything serious after three dates.
Why is that?
“Modern dating comes down to apps. Apps mean you have the illusion of options. Options mean you’re less likely to find good because you’re in search of great, and you nonetheless weed through a lot of bad (and become bad yourself in the process).”
- DR. TIRRELL DEGANNES
Think about this way. When you are standing there deciding between two toothpaste brands, you weigh the advantages and disadvantages. But how can you know which one is the proper one if there are twenty of them right there in front of you? All displaying their unique qualities, all promising different things. The dating process is the same.
It's not fully accurate to say that increased freedom of choice always results in greater life pleasure. In fact, the psychologist Barry Schwartz contends that the more options you have, the harder it is to choose. In his book The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less, Schwartz shows how making good decisions is difficult enough as it is, but making good decisions in a world of limitless options may be too difficult. For example, how many times have you spent hours on Tinder swiping ‘left or right’ through potential romantic partners? It's ultimately too much. You remove the app...just to reinstall it again when you're feeling alone.
This paradox of choice often results in perfectionism or even a freeze response, when you refuse to go on any dates because you feel too overwhelmed or have raised your expectations to unattainable heights. After all, there are so many other possibilities out there; why would you settle for someone who is flawed?
which leads us to...
The grass is always greener…
There’s a reason why up to 50% of first marriages end in divorce and 60% of second marriages are most likely to get divorced.*
Divorce Rates in Canada (Stats Canada)
You can always find someone else to date is one of the many reasons why people split up and get divorced. There are always places where ‘the grass is greener’ and once you start thinking this way, it’s hard to stop. The variety of options available highlight all of your partner's shortcomings. “He can't cook well”. You could probably find a guy who loves to cook. “She's a real mess”. You can find many ladies who maintain spotless homes.
Meanwhile, all of your potential or current partner's excellent traits may be overshadowed by your dissatisfaction due to the idea that you can always choose another. Perhaps someone better, a better match for you. Or at least that's what you believe. Too frequently, we overlook the 80% that our partner provides and search for the remaining 20% as if it would complete us.
If you don’t completely satisfy me, I’m outta here
These days, a lot of us find it challenging to date because we have such high expectations for our love partners.
Many people go into a date thinking or hoping that this may be the person they’re going to marry. Think about it in terms of friendship—you wouldn’t go into a party thinking you’re going to meet your best friend that night, right? Why is dating different? It's a beautiful thing to stand at the altar with someone who ignites your heart, but we also need to be aware of how much we expect from our partner. In the words of Esther Perel, a relationship expert:
"Modern relationships are boiling pots of opposing desires: security and adventure, rootedness and transcendence, the warmth of love and the fervour of passion. With just one person, we want everything.
Having difficulties dating? Maybe you have too high of expectations for your partner. You might believe that they should:
Have similar interests and passions as you
Have similar social groups
Should agree with all of your viewpoints
Should give you exactly what you require whenever you’re upset
Be the most incredible lover 24/7
Always want to be with you
Etc.
Then there’s the elephant in the room: societal expectations.
Though things seem to be changing, one important expectation many of us were raised believing in was the “typical family unit” depicted as a married couple of a man and a woman with two kids and a house in the suburbs. The animated movies and fairy tales many of us absorbed as children were always about “living happily ever after.”
Thus, many women and men were socialized and perhaps also learned that messaging at home if their parents were very traditional. Because this is changing, it can create tensions in dating as traditional norms are being examined and dismantled by some and accepted by others. With so many varying views on what roles should be within a relationship, it’s easy to be confused by these expectations —or wonder if they should exist at all.
Dating anxiety exists
According to a 2021 study, there is a link between using dating apps and having anxiety and sadness.
Between the fear of fake dating profiles, and the sheer time and expense it takes to find a match, it’s no wonder that dating today is hard. With things like “ghosting” becoming the new normal, it’s not out of the ordinary for someone to disappear with no reply for what feels like no reason at all. And with dating apps and sites making it feel more like a competition of who has the best-looking profile pics or most compelling description, it can feel like it’s a lot easier to be single.
While this doesn't always imply that going on Tinder dates will make you depressed — some people find dating apps to be enjoyable and helpful — it merely serves to highlight the contemporary problem of our deteriorating mental health. If you feel ill before a date and struggle mightily to persuade yourself not to cancel - then you may be suffering from dating anxiety.
Dating anxiety entails excessive apprehension, worry, and pessimism about dating. According to doctors, it can appear as:
Trembling
Sweating
A rapid heartbeat
Repeatedly having bad thoughts
Shyness and aloofness
Lack of self-esteem / confidence
Fear of being rejected or humiliated
If you are struggling with dating anxiety: your best option is to go on dates. If you continue to avoid events you are afraid of, you only temporarily lessen your discomfort, while teaching yourself that you can't handle those triggers. Slow exposure treatment, which involves putting yourself in uncomfortable circumstances and proving to yourself that you can handle them, is frequently the best approach to recover.
Technology as a friend and foe
While technology allows us to connect over distances, sometimes technology really makes dating more challenging. This is why.
We’re fixated with our phones
Remember the days when we had nothing to do but talk to people when out in public? Remember when you would meet people in person? Either through a chance encounter or doing/being somewhere? New relationships were formed through ‘real’ interactions . Nothing was available to us to occupy our time when we were bored or to make us appear active when we were nervous at a gathering.
Today, is there anyone who hasn't open and close apps in public for no reason other than to make themselves seem more social? Dating is challenging since it's become more complicated than it has to be to approach individuals. People are less likely to look at you across the train while they are using headphones or browsing on their phone. There isn't a warm-up. To ask them out, you must get up, grab their attention, wait for them to take off their headphones or put away their phone. It’s like yanking someone out of their own headspace. Where once spontaneous interaction came naturally, we now feel intrusive.
Before you even meet, you already ‘know’ them
Dating today is much more impersonal. Social networking gives you the opportunity to get to know someone without ever speaking to them, whereas dating apps provide you the opportunity to market yourself as a dating-worthy commodity. Social media stalking has now become so commonplace that it scarcely gets any attention. Conversing with a person online? Do you view all their social media profiles to form your own opinion on who they are? Before you ever hear them speak, do you locate them on LinkedIn and read what they have to say? Do you know the names of their siblings, the school they attended, the songs they like, and who they’ll vote for? How often to you have to be careful not to say anything or they’ll find out you tracked them online? When you browse someone's social media accounts all you are doing is building up preconceived notions about your date which in all honesty makes the entire interaction (of getting to know someone) fake. The reality is that perfection doesn’t exist within relationships. What you see on social media is a glimpse of life and sometimes, social media can create unrealistic expectations of the “perfect” relationship and dating journey.
It’s so easy to just 'disappear’
In today’s society, ghosting is practically normalized behavior. Ghosting occurs when a person abruptly stops all forms of communication for no apparent reason. If you reach out, they ignore any attempts to rekindle the conversation. Essentially, ghosting is a rejection without a sense of closure; you have no idea what actually happened. So, how do you cope with ghosting without detaching yourself from all future interests?
People that “ghost” are too afraid or too rude to address their own feelings of discomfort. You don’t want to be with someone that cannot comfortably address their feelings anyway; you’re better off not hearing from them. Letting go of hard feelings means appreciating that while it feels hurtful when someone ghosts you, especially if you felt like there was a connection, shifting your mindset can be helpful.
Some of the main reasons for ghosting someone include:
To avoid a confrontation
The person did ‘not live up’ to their dating profile
To avoid a clingy or needy match
A lack of chemistry
An inability to engage in frank dialogue
A lack of confidence to take immediate action
Whatever the reason, there isn't much room for caring and honest dialogue in the dating industry. Ghosting may have a terrible impact on one's mental health and sense of self, which makes dating even more challenging. Why bother connecting at all if individuals are going to disappear? Being direct and sincere can ultimately make dating simpler even though it takes bravery to say you'd prefer not to go any further.
But disappearing without a trace? That is a legitimate, frequently used cop-out that has some sort of societal acceptance.
Safety issues
The rise of online dating and technology in general add new concerns, such as being catfished, receiving unwanted explicit photos, or someone sharing your explicit photos without your consent. On dating apps, many women in particular (but all sexual orientations are included too) have complained of being harassed or receiving explicit messages, not to mention the dangers of meeting in person. As technology advances, there are more people to date and more individuals to avoid. Ensure the following before going on a date:
Be alert for any warning signs.
Plan a meeting at an area where everyone can see it, like a café or a restaurant
If you're highly concerned, video chat
Inform your pals of your plans or provide them with your online location
How to simplify your dating life
Despite the dating market feeling like one hurdle after another, you can still find a good match with a genuine connection. Here are 10 suggestions to keep you happy and healthy when dating:
Know your values and priorities: Before you start dating, give it some thought to the things you value most in a partner. This can assist you in preventing relationships with people who aren't a suitable fit for you.
Take care of your physical and mental requirements and practice self-care: Don't sacrifice your wellbeing in order to pursue a romantic connection.
Establish healthy limits in your dating life by setting them up front: Saying no to uncomfortable activities or circumstances or, if necessary, taking a vacation from dating are examples of how to do this.
Be genuine: Don't pretend to be someone you're not in order to win over people; instead, be really you. Finding a mate that is actually compatible with you might be made easier with this.
Open and honest communication is crucial in any relationship: It's critical to be upfront with your partner about your feelings and opinions.
Don't compromise: Being single is preferable to settling for a partner who isn't the ideal fit for you. Even if it takes some time, don't give up on finding the ideal mate.
Don't take rejection personally: It's a common occurrence in the dating world. Try not to take it personally and keep in mind that it's not a reflection of your value as a person.
Refrain from comparing yourself to others because everyone's dating experience is unique and it won't help: Pay attention to your own journey and what brings you joy.
Take breaks as needed: Dating can be stressful at times, so it's crucial to do so when you need to rest and reenergize.
Don't be hesitant to get help from a therapist or counsellor: If you're having trouble managing your mental health or navigating the dating world. They can assist you in overcoming obstacles and developing good coping mechanisms.
Take advantage of your single status
Popular culture wants you to believe that being single is the worst thing you can experience... but you don't have to wallow in unhappiness just because you're single. Whether we admit it or not, after a certain age we expect the average person to be married. If your 20-years-old and single, that’s ok. If you’re 28 or 29 that’s fine, but not nearly as acceptable. However, when your 30-years-old or older most people think something is wrong with you. You’ve probably never had someone ask, ‘What’s wrong with you?” Instead, they say things like, “Oh, wow you’re not married yet?”. If they’re trying to be kind, they may throw a compliment on top of it, “Oh, wow, you’re not married yet, but you’re so pretty/handsome.” But singleness is not a curse for being unattractive, unsuccessful or weird. It's time to normalize that being single is a CHOICE. For some of us, singleness will come and go. Others are blessed with the gift of singleness for a lifetime. In either case, it’s worth embracing the life you have been given. Don’t allow others to convince you that being single is a curse. Actually, being single is a great chance to reassess who you are and what you want from life. For instance, take this time to:
Discover new interests, acquire new abilities, and pursue your passions
Improve your bonds with family and friends
Improve your self-esteem, let go of the past, and become your biggest advocate
Determine the type of partner that will complement your lifestyle and your top priorities
Develop the crucial life skill of learning how to be independent
While dating can be challenging, the goal is to have fun!
Although a string of bad dates can make you lose all hope, take a step back and re-evaluate what you really want out of the dating process. Decide who you want to date mindfully and listen to your gut. If you sense some red flags, it’s probably for a reason. There is no one perfect thing you can do to find a great match but you can focus on what you want and your intentions and go from there. Whether you’re looking for a casual date or a serious relationship, it’s important to state and stand firm on what you want. Because having the ability to be honest and genuine with another person sets the foundation for a real relationship. Nobody will ever completely satisfy you completely but if you can find the individual that embodies your 80%, you can make concessions on the other 20%. It will succeed if it is worthwhile.
The thing you need to do is not overthink it too much. If you are dating someone and it feels right, let things progress naturally and don’t put too much pressure on the next steps. If you want to date, you will find the time, and if you find that you do not want to, maybe it is a sign that you are not ready, and that’s ok – go at your own pace and don’t rush into anything.
We’re here if you need help.
Therapy is a valuable tool that can help you to solve problems, set and achieve goals, or teach you new ways to track your emotions and keep yourself in check. It can help you to build the life, career, and relationship that you want. Does everybody need it? No. But if you are curious about working with a therapist, that curiosity is worth pursuing.
We know it takes a great amount of courage to examine your life and to decide that there are things you would like to change. And, it takes more courage to do something about it. We can help. We offer free consultations for anyone in Ontario considering individual or couples counselling, online at The Dot. We will go through any of your questions and concerns to help you decide whether online counselling is the right choice for you.